i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I need to align my fucking chakras
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
