the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
