I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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