Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
