Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
