Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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