when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
