I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
no you cant smoke seaweed
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
