dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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