he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
