just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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