a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
