Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i believe in u and ur pee
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
