Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
