Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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