I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
