I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
