you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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