Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
