Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
