I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
