Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
