why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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