Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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