I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
pop tarts are not kleenex
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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