omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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