Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
