Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Houston, we have a blender
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
