true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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