The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
