You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
