I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
