The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I wish i was in the wii world.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
