closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
