The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize