There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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