the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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