remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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