i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
last night I used snow as a chaser
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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