I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
