my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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