And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
