I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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