Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
