So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
