Your face is a jimmy john
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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