My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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