The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
