"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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