if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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