I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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