I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
