watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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