What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
