apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
