Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
My sheets look like a crime scene.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize