It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I don't deserve a penis
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
